Marcelino Herrera Juarez

You

are named after the man

who raised our father

who's impact was so profound

that dad chose to give you his name

(and he thinks naming kids after people is stupid

ask him what he thinks of your nephews name)



you and i have not always had

the best

relationship

constantly striving for the spotlight

we both

were

are



approval doesn't come easy in this family

and it's a fist fight to recieve it

thats what happens when you're 1 of 8 children

and your parents are just proud

that you're alive



and we are so similar in personality

that the competition is only natural

i mean damn, man,

you tried to take my birthday!



recently i reveald that i never really

got

what you did

and with that said

i still couldn't be more proud of you



we all have dreams

but we're all not

lucky

or talanted

enough to fufill them

and you

have



people pay you to dance

people pay to see you do

what you love to do.

sit on that for a minute

man

they pay me

because i do

something tangible

becuase i produce documents

becuase i stand in a court room for them

they pay you

for the way

you make

them

feel



i couldn't be

more proud.



and for all it's worth

you are the

Bourgeoisie

reminder

of how far this family has come

of how far this

last name has come

your father

dropped out of school

and went to the army

during the Viet Nam War

at age 15

you

dropped

out of school at age 16

and became a professional

ballet

dancer

and i

could not

be

more

proud.

On Power and the Law

I am not fooled by the fact that i am a lawyer. that i am part of "the problem" i do not think that i am any better then any of my counterparts who practice law. (but i do believe that i am happier) i know that most days i am no better then the lawyer who stands across the aisle from me. we both have the same job, to wield the law like a lightsaber, to cause damage, to win.



but i do believe that in a society full of people who feel entitled to...everything, some of us still feel blessed when we walk into a law school, when we are...accepted. and if we have forgotten how lucky we are then we have someone there to remind us that we don't belong there. We don't belong there so when your grades are not as high as your counterparts, when you are dissapointed after a test, remember that you are blessed to just walk through those doors.



On September 27, 2010 i attended a TRO (temporary restraining order) extension hearing with new client. When we arrived we saw that one of the our case managers was there with a client of her own for a TRO extension hearing as well. We all sat together for about 20 minutes and chatted. At some point an elderly man came across the partition and approached the client of the case worker. He asked if he could speak to her, she agreed, and they walked a little ways away and sat down to speak.



Sitting in this semi circle were this elderly man, who turned out to be the opposing party's attorney, the client, the case manager and the court appointed interpreter. I leaned over and said to my client, "it always makes me nervous when lawyers want to speak to clients who don't have representation." I then continued to lightly eavesdrop on their conversation.



it started off ok. he asked her about the incident. said he wanted to hear "her side". He asked questions about the date, time, where the incident occured, who was there. I let this happen until i heard him ask if she was drinking the night the incident occured. she said no. he then asked her if it was true that she had a drinking problem. at that time i jumped up and walked over to them and told the client, in spanish, that the questions didn't matter and she didn't need to answer them. The lawyer got visbly upset, asked me if i spoke spanish, asked me if i told her not to answer those questions and if i had told her that it didn't matter, asked me who i was, and then asked if i was her lawyer. i answered him. I said yes i speak spanish, yes that's what i told her, told him i'm a lawyer, but no i wasn't her lawyer. he then stood up and yelled at me, yelled, in the lobby of the domestic violence division of the 2nd judicial district court house. (word to the wise, if you defend batterers its probably not wise to scream on your younger female (of color) opposing counsel) He said, "then you can get away from here!" I told him, "you know what sir, i'm not her lawyer, but i can be." I walked up to the front of the DV unit and entered my appearance, walked back to them and told him to get away from my client.

We entered the court room 10 minutes later. He asked for a dismissal of the TRO in place of the Temporary Domestic Order that would be entered in the Domestic Matters case he was going to file. I told the judge we were not interested. he made an argument that they were the same. I told him the reasons why they weren't. He then asked for a restraining order only until the divorce was finalized. I told the court we weren't interested. I told the commissioner we wanted an OFP (order for protection) for one year. He then made some arguments about how that was unneccessary and it should be limited. I told the court we weren't interested. We wanted an OFP for one year and if we couldn't come to an agreement we were prepared to have a full hearing. We argued back and forth for a few more minutes and then we got a stipulated order of protection for 1 year.

Afterwards i was so dissapointed in that other attorney. being a lawyer gives you power. you have access and knowledge that so many people don't. that esq. behind your name is a like a cape. you can make, or crush, peoples lives. don't be evil. don't get it twisted i'm not saying we're better then ANYONE else. everyones job is necessary. but ours, well, we effect everyone. everyone needs a lawyer at some point. so don't let people walk away with a bad taste in their mouth over you. don't be "that lawyer" like every other lawyer. don't get...entitled. don't ever feel like the world is yours, treat your last like your first.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErHT5cC5in8

always work hard. always prepare extra. never use your legal counterparts as a scale of how good, prepared, or empathetic you should be. set your own standards. be the lawyer you wish you had.

Borderlands/La Fronter page 68

She has this fear that she has no names that she
has many names that she doesn't know her names She has
this fear that she's an image that comes and goes
clearing and darkening the fear that she's the dreamwork
inside someone else's skull She has this fear that if
she takes off her clothes shoves her brain aside
peels off her skin that if she drains the blood
vessels strips the flesh from the bone flushes out
the marrow She has this fear that when she does
reach herself turns around to embrace herself a
lion's or witch's or serpent's head will turn around
swallow her and grin She has this fear that if she digs
into herself she won't find anyone that when she gets
"there" she won't find her notches on the trees the
birds will have eaten all the crumbs She has this fear
that she won't find the way back

Guatemala

There
On the cobblestone streets
In front of 16th century churches
I saw
A self constructed memory
Of indigenous ancestors
Pulling apart
Their most sacred temples
To create new ones

There in the Mercado
With the women
Yelling “Buena Ropa”
Selling 2nd hand merchandise
To first time buyers
I saw
A stream of
Bleached blonde
News anchors
Siempre estan tratando a ser algo
Que nunca puede ser
As they usher in
The future
Smiling
and waving
At the faceless
soon to be deseparecidos


There on a deserted beach
With black sand
Pacific waves crashing
And palm trees swaying
I saw how easy these waves
Ushered in
The first visitors
From the Far East
Long before
A Spanish word was mumbled in this place

As I stepped into side street
Tiendita
And see a girl
No older then 9
Selling cositas for tourists
I saw how easy
Third world
Becomes New World
Ordered
Into maquilas

I can not
Turn off
The colonizer/d
In me
And it is more prevalent
In a Spanish speaking place
Funny how a chicana
From seattle
Who didn’t learn Spanish until 20
Can feel at peace among
A people
She has next to nothing in common with

The only thing we do share

Is a colonizer

on my childhood, el centro de la raza, and re.membering

Sometimes I take my childhood for granted. When I was in college I got really upset with my classmates, often, but this one time in particular, for being lazy, for not dedicating themselves to the reading and really giving of themselves in discussion. For not wanting to create change within themselves. And I met with the professor of that class, Julie Helling, and she told me I shouldn’t be so upset, the problem was me, I expected too much from people.



I walked away pretty pissed off. I felt like it was her fault, she expected too little from them. We were getting a great opportunity, the lot of us, to even be in college and to be in the program we were in and they were wasting it!



And it’s only now after many years do I often sit back and realize my place of privilege. I was raised by a collection of people who were hard working, proud, fuertes, intellectuals, revolutionaries. And in a time when revolution was passé. I was born in 1983 and my elders were heavily involved in the Sandinista Revolucion in Nicaragua. This is where my name, Maria Esteli, comes from. Seattle’s sister city is Managua, Nicaragua and a group of young Chicanos took it upon themselves to create safe place for the people who were forced to flee. One of those men was a singer, Carlos Mejia Godoy, he wrote a song called Maria Esteli about the town of Esteli. The first town to declare is freedom from the Samoza dictatorship. But that is not why we’re here.



I was rasied Chicana, in every sense of the word. Raised to have a deep understanding of my familial history, my social history and the history of my people in this country. Raised to see injustice and fight against it. In law school they teach you “issue spotting” or “how to think like a lawyer” they didn’t know I’d been doing that since birth! I remember being no older then Eli and being on my father’s shoulders at a rally screaming “hell no, we won’t go” I wore a t shirt to school, in the second grade, on Columbus Day, the picture had Native’s on a shore looking towards 3 ships, it said, “Who discovered who in 1492?” One of my earliest memories is being in the house of my Nino’s, Boca and Tina, and looking up at a black and white poster of Emiliano Zapata, my favorite revolutionary (that should tell you something about my childhood, lol, I have a favorite revolutionary) and the one my youngest son is named after. I did a report about Diego Rivera in the 3rd grade, read Bless Me, Ultima at age 7, and my favorite movie as a child was Zoot Suit. I was raised…different.



With the passing of Roberto Maestas today I got the opportunity to speak to two of the other founders of El Centro; my father and Boca.

My father recounted the story of the take over for me. Walked me through the loss of ESL program at what is now South Seattle CC. My brothers mother, Nancy Gonzales as well as my other nino, Roberto Gallegos taught there. He told me about how they spent time trying to find a right location, how they organized the take over and how they spent months, in that building with no power, until they won. He told me there are pictures of him studying for the bar exam by candle light, told me about how my Abuela, La Santa Ramona Juarez de Padilla, would come and bring food, and how they would play hearts in the basement for hours. I try and imagine my grandmother much younger, and my father and Tio’s too. And then he told me how it changed. And how people’s ideas of what el centro should have been changed. And people stepped away. Then he told me how he had spoke to my nino, Roberto Gallegos, recently and how the both of them had a had a chance to speak to Maestas in the last few months.



When I spoke to Boca he reminded me that “asi es la vida” and while I have fear for the mortality of my elders it is the way it goes. We also spoke of remembering. Re-membering. I was raised to believe that those embraced by this society are ultimately of no help to us in trying to change this society. If they like you then you’re not doing enough. Maestas’ death brings about many memories. Memories of him, of his family, of those instances in our history. I think my father said it best, “it is selfish but it is that piece of me that he was that he takes that saddens me.” And I hope that in his re-membering we will get a clearer picture of the person he was.



I cannot lie. I am sad about the loss of history. I feel empathy for my familia that has lost someone so close to them. But I view him differently. I mean no disrespect but we all have different relationships with people. The people we can touch, the ones who are so close to us, the Boca’s, the Santiago’s, the Gallegos’, Dolores, they hold our history. And if we don’t ask them for it then the stories are lost to us. And the history they hold is lost to us if we don’t access it. If we don’t make them tell us their stories.



I also got to speak to Moe Maestas today, I called to offer my condolences. With that phone call I remembered something. I remembered what El Centro has become to this generation. That whatever people feel about their time there, what el centro is, was, or will become, it has brought people together. I went to law school in new mexico with a dude who spent time at el centro. And I didn’t even know that until today! I went to Guatemala on vacation and my host had worked there too. I became friends with Moe because of el centro. Countless friends of mine from college have passed through those doors and given of themselves there at el centro. And still do. El centro is a piece of our history and a piece of power we have in that rainy city. For those of us idealists of this generation, for those who struggle for something better for our children, that place has become a beacon, a gentle reminder that change is possible. That sometimes our demands get met. But like everything else it is our job to keep them good. It is our job to keep working towards something better.



So, it is days like today that I am reminded of my privilege. That I was raised special. That I was raised in a special place at a special time. To me ideas of justice, of change, of fighting for something better, those were not things I learned, they were instilled in me. As they will be in my children. Last week Eli wanted a toy and reminded his younger brother that since he, as the oldest, is the leader he should get the toy. And sweet Tony handed it over. I pulled Eli aside and reminded him that yes he is the leader but good leaders share with those who don’t have that power. And he gave the toy back to his hermanito. Someday my children will expect too much from people.

5 years

Read this one first.
http://yourchicanapresident.blogspot.com/2008/07/my-soldier.html

A 5 year reflection

Well, son,
Things didn’t turn out the way I planned

The things I had hoped you would learn
From Sammy and I
Patience and respect
Well,
You weren’t going to learn them
With us together

So, I took you and your brother
Out of that situation
Because the dreams I had for you

They were dying there

And here we stand

5 years from your birth

And you
Are amazing

You remind me of me
So much
So eager to learn
And to lead
So smart
And curious

And we have a new dad
He’s a good one
And you really love him
Remember this in 10 years
When he embarrasses you
In front of your friends

You admire him
And you should
He’s a good man
And a good example for you

And your dad and I
We try to feed your brain as much as we can
But I know we bore you sometimes
But we love you
And appreciate you so much

You give us a lot more then you’ll ever know

I had hopes when you were born
About war
And violence
And not much has changed m’ijo

The last combat troops were sent home from Iraq in August of 2010
But it seems like we’ll be sending them some where else soon

And I work
At a non profit
Helping victims of violence

So, the world could be better
But it could be so much worse

You have changed my life
For the past 5 years
I’ve continued to grow with you
And as this year for us comes to a close
I’m impressed by all we’ve accomplished

You and I
We’ve been through it all, Eli
You have been there
When so many have faltered
And I
Try not to love you too much for this
It hasn’t been easy for you either
But you son, are a trooper
And you are strong
Even when you shouldn’t have to be
And I’m sorry that you’ve had to be

And now when I see you
Vulnerable
Like today when you cried for your daddy in my arms
I still want to give you the world
Or at least what you’re asking for
Because you ask for so little

You are a great big brother
Te das tanto carino y amor a tus hermanitos
And no one can teach you that
You just do

I am a little more grown now
Then I was this time last year
I never thought I was too young when I had you
But now as we grow together I do see
That I had
And I have
Much more to learn
And thank you for helping me do it

And you son
You are so funny
You have a brilliant sense of humor
It’s probably because you are so smart
But your grasp of sarcasm is impressive for such a young child
And your ability to make the adults around you
Honestly laugh at jokes
Is amazing

I just wanted to say ”thank you
For choosing me
To come through unto life to be
A beautiful reflection of his grace
Because your love is one
Only God could create.”
I wouldn’t be the same without you
Here’s to 5 years and another 5 more.

this love

I wrote a poem once
For a wedding
For a good friend of mine
And I thought
When I wrote that poem
That
That
Was what love
Was about

It was about revolution
And marriage being revolutionary
And how you commit to marriage the way
You commit to the revolution
It was about struggle
And fighting
And passion
And dreaming bigger then you could ever dream
Just so those dreams
Could be shot down
And you could struggle again

It was a beautiful piece
And I meant every word

But now
I realize that
This love
It doesn’t look like that

This love

And its going to be funny to even write

But this love
Is about peace
Man
Its about struggling
For something better for our family
Its about dreaming dreams
That do come true
Every day

This love is about cooperation
And working together
And being fair
And patient
And honest
And up front

It’s about never going to bed without kissing
No matter how upset we are
And its about picking up slack
When the other one needs help

It’s about showing our kids something different
Then what we saw
And its about apologizing to them
If they see us fight
And explaining
That
That
Is not the best way to resolve conflict

This love
Is something
I never dreamt
I ever wanted

And it may not be about
Revolution
But it is about giving me
The space
To be revolutionary
If I choose

And giving you the space
To change
Or not to
While you are on the journey
That you’re on right now

This love is about a foundation
that is strong
and is based on mutual experience
as a result of growing up
in the same place
at the same time

it’s about knowing someone for
10 years
Then falling in love with them
Without even trying

This love is about some
Cosby show
Boy meets world
Type love
You know those shows where
You wished
You had those parents
That’s what this love is

Its about not being jaded by what
We’ve seen
We’ve been through
The pain the people
We love
Have been through
At the hands of the people they loved

Its about longevity
Its about something new
Its about rising each day
And still being
Visionaries
Romantic
Being radical about this love
Being TOO idealistic

Its about
Being patient
Because all great things
Take time
There will be mistakes
But its about learning from them
And loving because of them
Not
In spite of them
Its about knowing now
That there will be times
It will be easier
To walk away
And staying will be hard

This love
Is about work
Because if doesn’t feel like work
Then its not going to

Its about making
One
Where two
Once stood

remember

I stood in front
Of the brain
Of a 1 month old child
Someone that child trusted and loved
Shook that baby
Till she died
And I got to see what it looked like
After
Swollen to an unbelievable proportion
To such an extent that I asked
“how could that brain fit inside a one month old babies
Skull”

Who remembers that child?
The person that loved her
Killed her
So who hangs her pictures?
Who decorates her grave?
Who tells her brief story?
Who makes sure the person who hurt her
Is punished under this law?

Every day
I help victims of violence
But sometimes
It’s so far away
It’s a description of events
On a paper
For me
Things I need to prove in front of judge
Its not something
I see in the mirror
And its not
A child I hold
A scar i heal

So I am sorry
To my clients
For the times
I forget
To be more compassionate

I’m sorry for the days
When your
Story seems
Mundane
I’m sorry for not taking every call
Or returning every message

I forget that this
Is your path
To your liberation
And I’m sorry for the times
I forget that
That I don’t help in that progression
I will
Try harder
To remember

Desmond

Desmond
Joseph
Emiliano
KarateExplosion
Boyd

Son

I look at you
And wonder

I wonder
What the future holds for you

I wonder if your fate
Is colored
Different
Then your brothers
Because of the color
Of your skin

And I wonder
If you’re twice as
Fucked
As they are
because
My statistics
Are stacked with your dads
And there is no place
In this world
For a black chicano
With a liberationist
Lawyer Mother
And a
Republican
Doctor Father
To blossom
properly

KARATE EXPLOSION

My youngest son
Came in to this world
SO stubborn
After 4 bottles of castor oil
And 2 false alarms
An IV of pitocin
That didn’t work

Then you were born
On your time

With caramel skin
And sandy brown wavy hair

I see how the world receives you now
As a gentle, patient
Mixed baby
So handsome
And cute
Without the second thought
That in

15 years
They will be
Unhappy if you
Are the one
Of mine
That ends up on
Their
doorstep
To take their daughter to the movies
Or hang out with their son
That you are the one
They will follow around
Stores
They will follow in cars

They will follow
On the field
Or court
Which are the
Only
Acceptable places
For you to be

My son
Who at 13th months
Wanted to read a book
At the doctors office
My smart little boy
Who is like
An active volcano
Beautiful to look at
Calm
Regal
Until triggered

Everyone who says
You’re patient
Has never seen you
When you wanted something

Desmond
Joseph
Emiliano
KarateExplosion
Boyd

You have a name
Strong enough to carry you
Through this life and onto the next
Without stopping for gas

Desmond – for Desmond Tutu, for the meaning of Desmond that read’s “time traveler, visitor of the universe” Desmond because that was your name the minute we heard it

Joseph – For the Tio you never met. The one your father loves so much. The one who changed the Anderson family.

Emiliano – for my favorite revolutionary, Emiliano Zapata. Wanted to give land back to the people for he knew the power of providing for yourself. As your Gallegos family does.

KARATEEXPLOSION – what can I say?

Y el apellido de tu papa, because we though Juarez-Boyd was a bit much
After the other 4 names

Desmond, you
Were conceived and grew in my belly
In my 3rd year of law school

You went to every class,
Study session and exam

And upon your birth son

We settled into our hospital room for the night and as you slept and ate
I studied for the bar exam
And when we left
You would come with me every day

In a sling

So tiny and quiet
In the back row

Of my BarBri Prep class

The only time we weren’t together was when I took the actual exam

Me sitting in bathroom stalls on the floor
Trying to pump between test segments

Son
The future
Holds something
So different for you

Something your father and I can never imagine

Because truth be told
Where we are now is something we never imagined

Because truth be told
You are something we never imagined.

But you
And your brothers
And the life we have is so amazing
That what the creator gives

You

Will be nothing short

Of a karateexplosion

In honor of our 2 year anniversary next week...the first poem i ever wrote for mike

“game over….or maybe just a time out…who knows” - JUNE 2008

I never thought
I could feel
This way
Again
Protective
And wanting
A desire and a right
To a man
Not a lover
That is the strangest part
Not a lover
Not even a kiss
It is so different
Then anything
I’ve ever been in
Before
Ever
And the desire to write
To put these feelings
To paper
Is intoxicating
It feels good at the time
But I know
I’ll regret it in the morning
When the hangover kicks in
Because I’ll hate
To see
My true feelings
Repeated back to me
In their purest form
My voice
In this secret I keep
That
This
Is my truest self
The parts of me
That make it to paper
If I ever loved you
There’s a piece somewhere
That I wrote for you
And here is yours
To be joined
With a small group of others
I have honored and loved
By putting the pieces of me
That belong to them
On pieces of paper
That now belong to the world
The other two
I’ll never be able to get rid of
I can only hope
The same for you
So here is the deal
I’ll keep the bangs
Till that hope
Is gone

Just say how you feel

About a month ago LANL (The Los Alamos National Laboratory for those of you non-NM’s. That’s where the Atomic Bomb was created) held public hearings on the burn permits they have. I have a cousin who works at LANL and this topic was on her facebook. At some point in the conversation she said “just say how you feel.” Out of love and respect for my cousin, at that time, I said…Nothing. It was a very difficult time for her and around that time I had gone in at another family member on facebook and we’re no longer friends. And she had already had one family member challenge her that day in person. So I let it ride.

I sat on what I thought. I rolled around in it. Today on my way to daycare I heard Jay Electronica say, “You either build or destroy where you come from.” And what I felt that day came back to me.

Here. Is how I feel.

Say how I feel?

I was raised in that valley so you don’t want to know how I feel about this situation.

How I feel is the same way people in that valley have always felt about that Lab, about this situation. Como no valemos nada. We have no worth. We don’t matter. What happens to us doesn’t matter. No one ever asked before because our voice never mattered. Our health never mattered. It is very easy for those who are, very literally, at the top to forget about those at the bottom. It’s easy to never think about what happens at the bottom of that hill when you are at the top.

We are not stupid. We are not country. We are not a bunch of dumb Indians. We are a community who lives and dies at the bottom of that hill. And what you do up there effects us everyday.

It easy I understand to get caught up in what you do. You are the department of defense and the US is at war. WE are also at war against YOU as we have been since the 1940’s. But what we fight for is our health. Our families. Our future in this valley. And it’s easy to forget that when YOU DON’T LIVE THERE and you are not from there. And it’s easy to forget what you do up there directly effects us everyday. It is easy to forget when it is not your land that won’t yield crops. When it is not your water that is contaminated. When it is not your mothers breast cancer. It is not your deformed and disfigured wildlife. It is easy to forget that we are people and your faulty choices effect us. It trickles down that mountain everyday.

The Juarez Family is tied to no where. We have been urban for the past 3 generations. We are not tied to a land or a place we are professionals who make our living with our brains not with our hands. It is difficult for our family to understand the relationship one can have with the Earth. The Gallegos’, my mother’s family, are farmers. They have lived in the same valley for HUNDREDS of years. My mother was raised in the home my Grandfather was born in. My grandfather still plants on the land his grandfather planted on. This place is not far from Los Alamos, it is Antonito, CO, 3 hours north. Some of my families land was included in land grants that live in Northern New Mexico to this day. Lands that are effected by LANL. It easy to intellectualize away the damage the DOD does to this land when you have no connection to ANY land. When it is not your livelihood. When it is not YOUR HISTORY.

For so many of our people in Northern New Mexico their families land is all they have. In the years when jobs are scarce and there is not much money to be made they are confident in their ability to grow enough food on their land for their familes. They are confident in their ability to raise a cow or two for milk and for meat. They are confident that the well on their land will continue to provide clean water. The LANL take that confidence away. I grew up on a well. When your water comes from the ground you become dependent on your community. Everyone must be conscious of what they put in the ground, how much water they use, where they dig, because everyone is connected in there is only so much water for all of us.

How do I feel? I feel like a piece of my heart lives in that valley everyday. A piece of my heart drinks that water, breaths that air. A piece of my heart learns there AND teaches there everyday. And everyday those pieces are at risk. You ask how my cousins who are fighting this war in Iraq would feel knowing that people oppose the Labs. I ask how they will feel when they come home to nothing…or worse. You work at the top of that hill. WE grew up in that valley. That is OUR HOME.

When I was in high school there was a big fire in Los Alamos. It was huge. It was so big that they evacuated all they way to Espanola. Not because the fire had spread that far but because the smoke had turned the sky an eerie shade of red, like blood, and it was raining ash. Because it was dangerous for us to breath air. Don’t tell me “its just a burn permit” “they’re not burning anything toxic.” Everything you do up there comes down on us, hurts us, puts us in danger.

“You either build or destroy where you come from” That is how I feel.

ABC's

A
My Viejo calls me from the doctors office
Where he is with our middle son
Antonio
Again
B
My second son
Little man who was trouble
Before he even got here
Made me so sick I lost 20 lbs
Running out of law school classes
To hurl in public bathrooms
C
Birth was not different
Polyhydramnios…too much amniotic fluid
Turned sideways
And decided to come at 3 in the morning
D
Never content
That boy yelled
Not cried
For food at 2 weeks old
Wanted no one but me
For the first 9 months
E
He clung to me
Would cry if I left the room
I was
The only parent he had
For a long time
F
Didn’t talk
Didn’t walk
Didn’t crawl
Didn’t smile
And I truly believed something was wrong
Turns out
That boys just
Stubborn
G
Stubborn as the day is long
My emotional
Hard headed
Libra son
Tony who cries if you look at him wrong
But is afraid of no one

H
My boy who has never
Been healthy
But always had
The heart of a fighter
Never worried about his ability
To fend
For himself
I
I heard my son say his ABC’s
Today
For the first time
From the doctors office
J
And for the first time
I worried
Tony has spent
About 3 of the last 7 weeks
In the hospital
Or doctors office
For his lungs
K
He’s had
Pneumonia
Adenovirus
Ear infections
He’s been on 3-4 medications
Continuously
Since January
L
My two year old spends 20 minutes
Twice a day
Taking medication
He’s so good at it
He just sits and does it on his own now
The need for liberation is greatest
When the complaining
Has stopped
M
My son is so used to medication
Nebulizers
Inhalers
That he wants to do them alone
And he’s just happy its not
Steroids
IV’s
Or oxygen tanks
Anymore
N
2 years
6 months
and
11 days on this planet
and I’ve never worried as much as I have
in the past 7 weeks
O
My son who is so
Strong
That on the day he was born
And I held him in my arms
He made me
stronger
P
I worry now and I can’t stop
Cystic fibrosis?
Speak English doc
Tell me what that means
What are the chances he has it
And if he does then
What are his chances?
Q
The hardest part
About being a parent
Is not being able
To fix
Everything
The hardest part
Is the squeezing feeling on my heart
When I don’t have the answers
Or the tools
Or the language
R
I ask the Creator now
To please assure me
That there is a great plan
For Antonio
That his presence here is so needed
That he won’t ever be ill
again
S
My son
Who I have always been sure
Would be a great athlete
Or doctor
Or leader
My son who is never pleased
But always happy
T
My son who is reserved with strangers
Trusts no one
And is self preserving
Is so sick that he was strapped to a machine
For two weeks
Couldn’t go anywhere without a tube up his nose
He can fight the world
But not the illness in his lungs
U
My son who is 200% better
Then he was
The day we checked him in to the hospital
Is still not as healthy as his brothers are
Still cannot live normally
He asks for his “beething” in the morning and before bed
He knows the routine and used to the masks
V
Tony who I will always baby
Because he was so sick
Because he looks like me
Because I was his world for so long
Because he’s so emotional
And he needs extra love
W
I ask the Creator
To watch over our family
To understand
How he is needed
How we
Are not whole
Without him
How we need him healthy
And strong
To understand
That Tony is our warrior
X
I wish the worrying would stop
Or least lessen
But it seems that after today
It won’t
Not for 6 weeks
Not until we know something more
Y
I heard my son
Say his ABC’s for the first time today
From the doctors office
And I ask the Creator
For a sign
For a plan
For Tony’s life
That makes him so valuable
That he will never be ill
Again
Z
I ask the Creator
For health
And for time

Before Me

on the days i try to be the strongest woman i can be i realize i am still no Ramona Juarez, Patricia Gallegos, Candelaria Mancillas, Cathy Pahl, Tina Maestas, or Tanya Boyd. And I am thankful for the women before me, the paths they've left and all the growing i have yet to do.

Hermana

Hermana
I think of you often

Dedicating a few minutes a day
To send you the most
Positive vibes and prayers
The Creator allows me to

You worry me

Mas que las otras amigas que tengo
Who started law school this year

I think back on the past
When we met
Almost ten years ago now

How I admired your strength
Knowledge
And voice

A voice I had not yet discovered

And as time passed
I grew
Holding you in my arsenal
Of women I aspired to be like
Along with a handful of other women
I met
At that time

Lupe Perez
Las Hermanas Hazelrigg
Andrea Gamboa
Gloria Anzuldua
Sandra Cisneros
Dolores

Y tu
hermana

I worry now
That this place
Will take everything you have to give
Until
You break

As it wants you to

THE ONLY GOAL OF THAT PLACE
IS TO BREAK YOU

You don’t belong there
Recuerda eso
That place was not built
To be a
Hospitable environment
For
a warrior
Para una mujer

For a Chicana

In fact it was created
To be
The exact opposite
It was created
To threaten
Your very existence

Y lo que quiero

de ti

Es una cosa

Tu palabra

That no matter how hard it gets
To pick up your head and go back
Into that
Building again
And again
That you will

You see
For every
One
Of us that succeeds
For every
One
that makes out alive
There are ten more that follow
You see
All we have
is us

Yo se que los días vienen
Mas difíciles y mas difíciles

And I know
How easy it is
To forget
WHY you’re there
At all

THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT

Margaret Montoya once told me
The goal of legal education
Was to make you
SO dependent on the legal system
And structure
That you’re rendered incapable
Of changing it

Yet she gets up and does it
Every
Day
And I
And Lupe
And Cecily
And every other
Post-colonialist
Half-marxist
Feminista
Chicana
Madre
Out there
Changing the world
The way she has learned how to

My father once told me
There are no radical lawyers
Only lawyers
Who defend radicals
It took me a long time
To understand that

And now
On the other side
I do


That place
WILL change you

It will give you the tools
To understand the oppression
That occurs in this country
And this world
Every day
And it will teach how to use those tools
To justify that oppression

And as scary as it sounds
You WILLl be able to

It will all make sense
Why things are
The way that they are

Then
It is your job
To use
Those tools
To bring justice

book

i'm thinking about writing a book about latina body image in a post-colonial post-feminist movement society.

a book about getting to "ok" and that in as much as adhering to caucasian capitalist standard of beauty is unhealthy so is feeling guilty for wanting to be thin or in shape.

Summer 2008 - Now

“men who'd often tryand justify their lieswith manhood deficient twisted notions of survivalinsecure seeing even lovers as their rivalsand hiding behind the armorwhen karma completes the cycle"
- “Sagaba (remix) Geo, Blue Scholars

I
Do a job that

Hits

Too close to home
Sometimes

You see
I
Was in a bad place
Once

And
I
learned
To
Not
speak of it
Because
I was
“too smart”
to be
there
because anger
was not feminine
because we
live
in a culture of
war
so what I experienced in my
home
was normal

but sometimes
I
sit
Across my desk
From a woman
Who looks like
me
or I get a training that
floods my memory
and all
my shit
comes back to surface
and
I
run
I run as fast as I can
Back
To the place where I regained
My strength
To a place where I
“seek solace
in remembrance”

summer 2008

and in the
7 minutes
I
have before my client comes in
I try and lose myself
In the blue scholars
And memories
Of Heba Gabby Kelley
And my kids

Try to run
And remember
How strong I am
Now

Because there was a time that I wasn’t
And doing this job
It’s easy to remember those times
All
The time
And it’s amazing how
When you’re in it
You don’t see how
Bad
It really is

But from the outside
And 2 years later
It’s real
Easy
To say
“THAT was a problem”
“That was wrong”
“No one deserves to be treated like that”


And lately I’ve been given words
That I’ve been thinking on
A lot
“your silence will not protect you”
-audre lord

“acceptance and forgiveness is key”
-evy trezvant

“let us study peace, love and truth”
-iyanla van zant


And
I
Am trying to find comfort
In speaking
About the life I lived
In my marriage

And
I am trying to learn
To accept
My past and what happened to me
And forgive myself
For the choices I made

and
I
Am trying harder
To work and love
from a place of peace
Which is not easy for a lawyer

Or woman who lived through the things
I did

I want to always be making
Peace
With my partner
And I want to show my clients
That yes someone
Is
fighting
for
them
But that revenge and anger
Are not the only tools we have

Wedding Poem 7/04

“I would like to say, at the risk of seeming ridiculous, that the true revolutionary is guided by strong feelings of love”

Que viva la revolucion

“If two people truly love each other and recognize what they are getting themselves into then marriage is revolutionary”

que viva la revolucion

Marriage
Is
REVOLUTIONARY
One commits themselves to the revolution
The way you are committing yourselves
To each other
With faith
Trust
Devotion
Patience
And above all
Love
Have faith in yourselves
And this union
More then your faith
That the sun will rise
Each morning
Trust in yourselves
And each other
More then you trust
The ground you stand on
Devote yourselves to this marriage
As much as you devote yourselves
To your lives
Live
For this marriage
Be patient
All great things
Take time
There will be mistakes
But learn from them
And continue loving because of them
Not
In spite of them
There will be times
It will be easier
To walk away
And staying will be hard

It will take a lot of work

You’re not given a life together
You make one

“but let there be space in your togetherness
and let the winds of the heavens
dance between you”

look to your source
yourselves
for your strength
and look to one another
for your nourishment
and strong hold

I invite you now to look at each other
And hold the love and joy
You see today
Forever

Be visionaries
Be romantic
Be radical
Be TOO idealistic

Envision your future
Where you stand
Beyond struggle
And rise each day
To realize
This revolution
Is guided
by
you

what up

hey blog world. i'm back. or trying to be. i promise. i finished law school, had another baby, passed the bar and found a job! whoo hoo. check it out here: www.enlacenm.org. it's pretty awesome. i'm their full time lawyer.

we went home to visit as a family for the first time in october and had a blast. seattle is different with mike. better.

we're trying to get married this year so check this out and vote for us

www.ultimateweddingcontest.com/entries/21766

thanks.

we also started a family blog at

www.theperphectfamily.blogspot.com

so keep coming back there'll be some more stuff soon.

thanks for reading

CHOICE

When I was a kid there was a rumor that my Tia Teresa (the only sister my Father has) was able to have kids but didn't get a period. Ever. I used to pray that whatever that gene was, that I had it. It sounded awesome. Not until the year that I turned 27, until after writing the first draft of this piece, did my sister and then my cousin, my Tia's daughter, tell me that my Tia had been forcefully sterilized before the age of 30. A woman who read at about a 1st grade level until she was 40 was robbed of her choice. My Tia Theresa, like my Tia Lita, has epilepsy. Unlike Lita her reproductive right was stolen in the 1970's not the 1930's and not because she has epilepsy but because she was poor.

My father is one of 7 children (that lived, there were others that passed at birth or early in life). He's the baby. My grandfather, from all accounts I’ve ever heard, was not around while my father was growing up. I acknowledge that this experience was different for my uncles and aunt and they had more positive relationships with Jesus Juarez, Sr. I have never heard anything good about him from anyone. He died the year before i was born and my father did not attend his funeral.
I did grow up hearing of another man, Marcelo Herrera, the man my brother is named after and my Tia Lita's husband. Marcelo who was practically my father’s father, who loved Lita at a time when she was “sick” and no one really understood what was wrong with her. Marcelo who helped raise his wife’s sister’s children as his own when their father wasn’t around. You see, there were times when my grandmother, La Santa Ramona Juarez de Padilla could not care for her children alone so her sister, Lita, and her husband Marcelo, took them in and they lived together in a one bedroom home, with an outhouse, in Roswell, NM.

I heard lots of great stories about Lita growing up. She hated English and wouldn’t allow it to be spoken in her house. She said it sounded like dogs barking. So, in a time in New Mexico history when children were PHYSICALLY PUNISHED for speaking Spanish in school, my Dad and Tio’s HAD to speak Spanish at home. She would cook for all 9+ of them on a little wood burning stove and make the best tortillas and café. She thought indoor plumbing was gross and refused to put a toilet in the house.

She also couldn’t have children. When I was a young woman I asked my father why Lita and Marcelo had no children, why had he named my younger brother Marcelino Herrera after Marcelo, and he told me it was because she couldn’t have children. You see Lita had epilepsy, something that runs in my family, and at that time women who were “disabled”, “retarded”, or “insane” were FORCEFULLY STERILIZED, and the epilepsy made her all three of those things. So when she was a young woman a doctor, a medical professional, TOOK HER CHOICE AWAY. Lita and Marcelo didn’t have children not because they couldn’t afford them, didn’t want them, or couldn’t care for them, to the contrary, they cared for many children. Lita never got the chance to decide whether or not she wanted to have children, she was, very literally, stripped of that right.

As a young woman I was horrified to learn this. That someone with more education and power took advantage of my Tia and took her UTERUS. And even more horrified when I learned later in life about the campaigns against Puerto Rican women, both on the island and in the States, and Native women in the 60’s and 70’s that essentially did the same things. Hundreds of thousands of Native and Puerto Rican women were sterilized, many of them without knowledge or consent or with the belief that the process was reversible.

The older I get the more passionate I become about retaining control over my body and allowing other women the same opportunity to do so. This is why I attended the Women’s March in DC in 2004. This is why I was in the Vagina Monologues in college and that experience inspired me to direct a production for 3 years while in law school. This is why I work with victims of domestic violence. To help them regain power and control over themselves.

I gave birth to my first son at 21, then the second one at 24, and the third one at 25. Some older woman once told me that my feelings about abortion, about Choice, would change once I held my first child. When I got pregnant with my first child I was in my last year of college, I had just applied to law schools, my boyfriend at the time had two children, was in the middle of a messy divorce and lived across the country. We discussed it and having a child didn't make any sense, it wasn't logical. I sat in the lobby of Planned Parenthood waiting to be called back and decided at that moment that I was going to have that baby. I walked out and my son has been changing my life ever since that moment. Since the birth of my first son I've only fought harder, believed stronger and wanted better. I directed and acted in 2 productions of the Vagina Monologues while pregnant with two different children! I try and teach my children about the control they have over their own bodies. As they age I try and show them respect over their choices by asking them for kisses or hugs, not by taking them.

Choice to me is not just about abortion. It's about all the choices. It’s about the choice to be able to conceive children at all. The choice to keep my body intact and not have a government tell me when I should or should not be allowed to carry a child or not carry a child. For marginalized women in this country the issue of choice is not as simple as the right to abortion because this government practiced involuntary hysterectomies on so many of our mothers, grandmothers, sisters, elders, and Tia’s.

A woman’s right to choose goes both ways. Is the right to choose to continue a pregnancy but it is also the right to choose to get pregnant in the first place. I will fight for a woman’s right to choose until the day that I die. I will fight for every woman I’ve loved who’s been abused by a man and had to make the hardest decision she’s ever had to, choosing to continue with a pregnancy and the abusive relationship or not. I will fight for every girl who has been raped or molested and wound up pregnant and has to choose between keeping that baby or living that trauma over again every single day. I will fight for my Tia's and the choices they never got.