I'm in a mosh pit of emotion

I'm not sure what's going on or what this is. it's like i know i love him...but i'm not sure he's changed enough. some things have changed but not sure it's enough things. i'm really confused that i'm making the wrong choice. eeeehhhhhhh i don't know what to do. i think he's still mean and he's trying to manipulate me already and make all of this my fault. but i can' t tell. it's like i've been lied to my whole life and i can never decide what the truth is...probably why i came to law school...to find the truth....wish i could find it now.................

after all that i just realized i have feelings for [him] and i just can't see him being with no one else...i just can't - lyfe jennings

i don't think this is a poem....but it maybe someday?

here we are
another day
another dollar i'm paying to be in summer school
working for the university
thats another blog
my husband and i got back together
i go up down
happy
and
panic attacks
trying to figure out
was this the best choice?
someone
who thinks he loves me
told me that he would fight
the way sammy fought for me
and would change too if he got me back
because i would be
"a shitty thing to lose"
(i'm pretty sure it was a compliment)
i am horribly insecure
with my husband
i need him to tell
me
i'm the best
and he only wants me
i need to be told
i love you
a thousand times again
i need to have my ass kissed
for him
to show me
that he really loves me
and won't hurt me again
i'm sure this isn't healthy
but i just feel so insecure
whats funny is
outside of this
new/old relationship
i'm the most confident i've been in a long long time
i'm just weak for him
i just love him so
much
it hurts sometimes
no really
physically hurts.....
i'll pray more.

i wish i could sift through and find reality

sometimes i feel like we live in a culture so based on lies that even to our own selves we can't be honest...."to thine own self be true" didn't some cat say that? in dealing with my (ex)husband and this situation niether one of us can sift through the BS to find the truth...even about how we feel. yes we love each other....well i love him....but is he the kind of man i thought i would grow old with(before i met him) no...i imagined myself with some revolutionary minded, intellectual who loved good music, art, good wine, good beer, really good food....and books and new ideas and philosophies and someone who loved all the parts of me even the ones that stood in opposition to who he was....kind of the way i loved my husband....you see i love unconditionally and with all my heart. when i get involved with a man i tend to put him up on a pedistal...no not that so much as i date the potential of a man NOT the reality of who he is....so give me a struggler, a fighter, someone who has a dream and somewhat of a plan to get there...sammy's not ANY of those things....sammy is lazy (not in the completely awful way) but in the way that if sammy has a nice house a nice car and a decent job, for the most part he's happy, there's not greater good or giving back or sankofa in his mentality, he's purely capitalitistic AND colonized still in his mind...and has no desire to let either go....and i loved him because of those things...i loved him because he was different and i felt like maybe he could help even out my idealism....(he tried to crush it in the end but that's another blog) he doesn't like to try new food or new music....i could never get him to read anything besides a magazine....he wouldn't listen to bob dylan....or bob marley for that matter...but he loves dancehall music...he likes mainstream....run of the mill...cookie cutter....he hates to think for himself or make decisions about his own life....he has an inability to go with the flow and has to control every aspect of everything....he's judgemental and insecure...and angry....and wants to fit into this society sooo bad.....and i've loved him anyway....i always will... but does that mean this marriage is meant to work? i don't think so...sadly.......because sammy and i could be night and day about everything but unless he is even attempting to decolonize his mind and began to love himself as he is......as i've loved him........it'll never work.......sadness but truth........"in a time of universal deciet telling the truth is a revolutionary act"

today

so i had this crazy insane dream that women who come out of abusive relationships tend to get bangs because psychologically they are "covering" themselves or sheilding themselves from the world...it was insane....needless to say i'm growing them out. whether or not the dream theory was true obviously my brain is trying to tell me something about my hair.


also i spoke with my tia this morning...she changed her flight (she was supposed to leave yesterday) to next week...next wednesday to be exacy and now we're on the same flight to seattle!!! i'm so pumped and relieved. the creator was watching out for me because i was starting to get stressed about having to fly alone with the boys. i'm happy.


also, i'm working on a poem inspired by sandra cisneros....when i unveil it the world will probably freak out because its about a lover but trust me the vow stands and i have no man in my life....well, besides the fam.

Just some stuff i wanted to share

Mother Teresa’s Prayer
People are often unreasonable,Illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway
If you are kind, people may accuse you
Of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway
If you are successful,
You will win
Some false friends And some enemies;
Succeed Anyway
If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway
When you spend years building,Someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway
If you find serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous;
Be happy anyway
The good you do today,People will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway
Give the world the best you have,And it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway
You see,
In the final analysis,It is between you and God;
It was never between
You and them
Anyway
"We can do no great things -Only small thingsWith Great Love." Mother Teresa



"La reyna Latina,
pintaba como gallina
es mas que bailarina
o puta en la esquina.
Es abogada,
professora,
madre, soldada,
y cargo nuestra futura
cuanda esta embarazada" Immortal Technique

'men who'd often try
and justify their lies
with manhood deficient twisted notions of survival
insecure seeing even lovers as their rivals
and hiding behind the armor
when karma completes the cycle" blue scholars"

"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of god. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. it's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

i deserve to have my ass kissed....or an open letter to my husband

the reality is I'm worth it sammy. i'm worth being waited for. i don't care what you say. i'm a good woman and if you cared at all about me or our marriage you would give me the next 10 months and you would prove yourself. and you would bring me flowers everyweek and take me to dinner once a week and you'd call and ask how i'm doing and feeling if i need any help with the boys. if you really loved me you'd do those things. you wouldn't think of dating or talking to anyone but me i'm your wife and you would know that i'm vulnerable and weak after everything we've been through and you talking to other women and exchanging photos iwth them and locking me out of the phone bill for what ever reason only makes me more suspicious and believe you less and if you wanted things to be better you would know not to do those things. you'd kiss my butt because i'm worth it and our marriage is worth and our kids are worth it. but you don't see it that way. and that's fine. and you know what i'm not broken....our marriage is broken i'm broken in our marriage and i need to get better to be in this relationship but there's someone somewhere who will value me the way you never did and will respect my need for a year of time to get better the way that you don't and i won't have to get better for that relationship because i already am. you broke me if you want me you have to help me fix it.

now....

Alright, so after finding out about the hubby's new girl i started to think maybe i'm not ready to call this thing quits. so i've been talking with him and spending some time and things are going ok. so i tell him you know i'm not ready for this to be over and can we keep trying. and to me that means we don't see other people but i live out my lease, i have a year before we get back together, i still have a bunch of stuff to work through you know. and he was like NO that 's it NO i won't wait a year for you. and i was like you don't think our marriage is worth it that I'M worth it? and he was like no i'm not gonna wait for year for something that has no guarentees. i feel crushed but liberated. it showed me that he's still as selfish and greedy as ever and everything has to be the way he wants it all the time. so.......my marriage is over. sadness.

Why is this

My husband and i have been separated for almost 5 months now. I have my own place, we barely interact outside of discussing our children, and i started paperwork to file for divorce. Then i found some pictures of some girl in his email (why i was there is a long story) but i found them and they killed me i was so angry. he cheated while were in our marriage together i don't know why i believed he would change but he didn't and i don't know why i was so hurt?

John Mayer

My boys are going on vacation with their Papi for two weeks. They leave tomorrow but I'm already feeling nauseous and sick. The longest I've ever been without them is 3 days and that was for the 4th of July. I'm really scared and nervous and I don't know what to do without them or how to deal. I don't know who I am anymore if I'm not a Mami all the time. Ugh. I don't want to feel this way, I feel so sick. I know it's good for my boys to spend time with their dad, don't get me wrong. It's just hard to see them go.

Being a Mami has changed my life and become everything I am all the time, first and foremost, revolutionary parent then I’m everything else, so it's hard to be without them for more then the 8 hours I’m working everyday and even then when I get home I just hold them and tell them, everyday “Son, you are the best part of every day” and it’s the truth. There may be good days and bad days but nothing tops holding my kids and having them there. So what happens Wednesday when I come home from work and the best part of everyday…isn’t there? I’m sure this is unhealthy in someway but I don’t know what else to do or feel.


“Your body is a wonderland”
Ha, maybe yours is Ma, but my body
Well my body is a jungle gym
For my 2 year old
Who finds Mami on the floor doing crunches
The best toy in the house
As he
Steps back to get a running start
As he leaps on to me
“Maammiiii”
And as he lands on my stomach he looks at
And smiles
“Te quiero Mami,
Super duper”
Oh, te quiero super duper son
You have no idea
As he climbs over me
Jumps off
Face plants and laughs that laugh
That sounds like heaven
And its now
As a single mom
That I realize the value of
Me
You see
Once upon a time
I did not respect
The temple the Creator has given me
At least not in a way
That let the rest of the world see
The respect I had for myself
I was disrespected because of it
Time and time again
But I know better now
Now I know what love looks like
I stayed somewhere too long
With someone who didn’t love me
Not the way comrades and partners should love each other
And not the way a man should love a woman
At least not in my eyes
And had it not been for the love of my children
I may have stayed there
Forever
Convinced that the little love he showed me was
Good enough
But once my second son was born
My little mama’s boy
And he looked up at me with those big gray eyes
I knew what had to be done
And he saved me
They both did
In their own ways
So now with pride I say
My body is not a wonderland
But a jungle gym
For my 2 year old angel
And his little cherub brother
And I
Well
I am a better woman because of it

so it's been a while

but i'm going to start using this. maybe as a place to post my writings just to get a little feedback?