Untitled...maybe 1L

My mom says I should write
But I can’t remember the last time
I put pen to paper to write something
besides a number or address
And since I spend a significant amount of my day in front of a computer screen
I’ll type
Thank you
It feels less personal
But it is more legible
My writing has progressively gotten worse since law school
Your brain gets better but your handwriting worse?
Eh, who knew
I believe this was all timing
When law school beat me down I had no safe harbor
No support of someone to say you’re not as dumb as your professor would have you think
Instead I went to a home where someone said I was
And I was a bad wife and mother
And law school made me bad at those other things
And those other things made me bad at law school
A sad circle when the reality was the opposite
I may not know everything about the law and never will
But I’m a good student and smart
I’m a great mother
And damn good wife
It’s so tragic that
While I was a good wife I never knew it
And he didn’t either
And we both found out this way
I’m not sure if I can ever forgive him for everything that has happened
Everything he has done
How badly I felt about myself for so long
All the lies he told
And keeps telling
It’s like he can’t stop.
Well, I can
And I do

I wonder

As I look at my children I wonder
Is this the right choice
Can he change
Is it worth it
And everyday my mind flips back and forth
And I wonder is it better for them for us not to be together
Then for us to be together
Can we work this out
I feel in my heart
That I just don’t know
But I can’t let my kids see me treated this way
And I can’t let them believe this is the way
You treat the people you say you love
And I wonder why god led me down this path
Or maybe it wasn’t god at all
Maybe it was just me
And I was being impatient
And not waiting
And not listenng
And should have known better
But didn’t and now we’re here
And I don’t know if I’m making the right choice
Except for when I pray to god to help me
The signs I get are the ones that
Make me think I should leave
And I’m making the right decision
This time
I hope
I wonder

Walking Away

I am finally at a loss for words and
So I am back to writing
It has been a long time since I’ve put my words down on paper
While I have had ideas floating through my head
Poems about our sons
But not a poem about you
(Which you so often point out)
But I have been angry for a long time
I have been angry about the way you talk to me
The way you treat me
They way you don’t trust me
But you talk to people behind my back
(especially when in reality I don’t care about stuff like that if you just let me in and be honest)
I have been angry with your threats to leave all the time
I have been angry with your constant criticism with no acknowledgement of the good things I do
“I gave you the power to make me feel the way I thought only my father could”
Which is probably why you’re so angry that I try to help him out
I’m angry that you don’t help me with the kids
Angry that I go to school, keep the kids by my self, work two jobs and you STILL complain about me
But I am done
I am so done being angry, and sad and hurt
I am done wrapping my feelings up in the way that you feel
I’m over it
I have two kids to think about
And I am the only parent they have all week
I cannot be caught up in your shit
on my time with them
So I’ll stop
I’m going to do me the best I can
I’m going to stop making excuses and trying to please you all the damn time at the expense of me
Because you do not bust your ass trying to please me
You tell me you buy all these things for me
But you don’t
You buy them for you
For whatever reason
I don’t ask for nor need them
I am grateful but not in need of these things not at all
Not at the expense of our relationship
Because as I see it
You don’t have to be nice or grateful on a daily basis because you buy an expensive gift every once and a while
Everything is always on your terms, when you want it
Well, not any more
I’m the old me again
Starting yesterday
I can’t do this the way I have been
Anymore