and my feelings are so conflicted
and
this
is my life
right
forever since i was kid
every happy moment has been mixed with fear
and
sadness
so now i go home
and my little brother and best friend is coming to live with me
and i'm super excited!
but i'm leaving seattle
and i don't feel like i did enough
or saw enough
or rested enough
and i fell in love
and leaving him sucks
and i've always felt that there are benefits to
living a portion of a serious relationship
apart
so you can see the real character of the relationship
what it's based on
i miss my sisters
and i'm ready to finish law school
and i'm excited that i'll be done
an entire semester early
not everyone does that
especially with two kids and a divorce during law school
i hate the conflicting emotions
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
4 days left
so here i begin to tell you how i fell in love again...against my own better judgement and normally rational way of thinking. let me begin by saying when i left my husband it was under the firm impression that i would be alone for ever...well, i'd have my kids but other then that no more romantic relationships and i was ok with it...when i left sammy i decided being alone was better then being in that relationship.
a few months ago (on june 2nd to be exact) i began to talk to an old friend, this guy i went to high school with in seattle. at that time i was talking to someone else (romantically) and he had a girlfriend he was living with. we started to talk....alot....not on the phone but text messaging...and as the first week passed my feelings begin to grow romantic and after a phone call from this "homeboy" at the close of the first week i realized his feelings had grown too. so i told him we couldn't talk anymore it felt wrong. that lasted a week...there was something about him that i couldn't quit...mostly his sense of humor...here i was really attracted to someone i hadn't seen in 4 or 5 years...crazy...and the craziest part to me was that there was no way we were going to sleep together...at least not any time within the next two months and at that point i wasn't even sure we were coing to Seattle. He and I really enjoyed each others friendship and that was the premis of the relationship...our friendship.
So, after a week i gave in, i tld myself i could make the feelings go away but i missed my friend. so we began to talk again and it was ok with the occasional flirting but for the most part just friends. Then after a month he decided we should speak as much and we pretty much stopped contact all together.
Then Sammy and I tried to get back together and at the same Homeboy was breaking up with his girlfriend. The blog about Sammy is a couple of posts down. In short I thought I could get past the lies but the more time that passed the more I realized it wasn't going to work for a lot of reasons. So once that was finalized Homeboy and I decided to hang out...
a few months ago (on june 2nd to be exact) i began to talk to an old friend, this guy i went to high school with in seattle. at that time i was talking to someone else (romantically) and he had a girlfriend he was living with. we started to talk....alot....not on the phone but text messaging...and as the first week passed my feelings begin to grow romantic and after a phone call from this "homeboy" at the close of the first week i realized his feelings had grown too. so i told him we couldn't talk anymore it felt wrong. that lasted a week...there was something about him that i couldn't quit...mostly his sense of humor...here i was really attracted to someone i hadn't seen in 4 or 5 years...crazy...and the craziest part to me was that there was no way we were going to sleep together...at least not any time within the next two months and at that point i wasn't even sure we were coing to Seattle. He and I really enjoyed each others friendship and that was the premis of the relationship...our friendship.
So, after a week i gave in, i tld myself i could make the feelings go away but i missed my friend. so we began to talk again and it was ok with the occasional flirting but for the most part just friends. Then after a month he decided we should speak as much and we pretty much stopped contact all together.
Then Sammy and I tried to get back together and at the same Homeboy was breaking up with his girlfriend. The blog about Sammy is a couple of posts down. In short I thought I could get past the lies but the more time that passed the more I realized it wasn't going to work for a lot of reasons. So once that was finalized Homeboy and I decided to hang out...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
today
I wrote a poem to my husband about how i loved him and as i wrote it i realized it' not the man i was in love with but the "husband" (it's posted here it's called "like the rain") i want a husband a man to love who loves me back someone who respects me and treats me right...i didn't want to be with sammy but he was my husband and it was the husband i wanted to be with. i'm glad i've thought enough about this to get me out of that situation.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
while i don't doubt the tumolt i'm not cutting you any slack...........kelley grosso
Crazy few weeks.
I decided to take my husband back after everything under some very tight rules and regulations. It turned out all the rules and regulations in the world won't make you trust a liar. What are you gonna do? It lasted less then a week before I gave up. I couldn't keep dealing with the lies and the man just doesn't stop! haha! I felt like I should give it another shot for my kids so they would have their father around but he's not a good father or a good man.
No bull...my kids have spent time with their Tio's, my boys Ernesto and Albert and another close friend we'll call...."homeboy" (that's what Grosso calls him) and the way those 5 men interact with my kids is amazing. It's on a completely different level then their father ever did! And they are MUCH better role models. I can't even get Eli to talk to his dad on the phone I have to bribe him with his sisters, they're the ones he wants to talk to. It's sad actually especially when I see the way he interacts with the Homeboy it's crazy, he enjoys him, he likes, him he's not scared of him even though on occasion the Homeboy will repremand him if he's getting out of place. But the Homeboy's not mean or scary or abusive like Sammy was, he's stern and serious like me and Eli responds well to that. Homeboy even plays with my sons in a way their father never did, he wants to be a father in a way Sammy never did. They've spent a lot of time with him since we've been here and Eli asks for him now, more then he asks for Sammy, it's kind of sad.
I decided to take my husband back after everything under some very tight rules and regulations. It turned out all the rules and regulations in the world won't make you trust a liar. What are you gonna do? It lasted less then a week before I gave up. I couldn't keep dealing with the lies and the man just doesn't stop! haha! I felt like I should give it another shot for my kids so they would have their father around but he's not a good father or a good man.
No bull...my kids have spent time with their Tio's, my boys Ernesto and Albert and another close friend we'll call...."homeboy" (that's what Grosso calls him) and the way those 5 men interact with my kids is amazing. It's on a completely different level then their father ever did! And they are MUCH better role models. I can't even get Eli to talk to his dad on the phone I have to bribe him with his sisters, they're the ones he wants to talk to. It's sad actually especially when I see the way he interacts with the Homeboy it's crazy, he enjoys him, he likes, him he's not scared of him even though on occasion the Homeboy will repremand him if he's getting out of place. But the Homeboy's not mean or scary or abusive like Sammy was, he's stern and serious like me and Eli responds well to that. Homeboy even plays with my sons in a way their father never did, he wants to be a father in a way Sammy never did. They've spent a lot of time with him since we've been here and Eli asks for him now, more then he asks for Sammy, it's kind of sad.
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