November 5th, 2008

November 5, 2008

I must admit to the world a few things.


I met Barack Obama 4 years ago, on August 31, 2004 in Chicago when he was running for Senate. I walked over, shook his hand and told him “Mr. Future Senator, when you are president I want to be your Attorney General” he smiled and gave me a small chuckle and asked me if I was a lawyer, I said no, he said are you in law school, I said no, but did tell him I was going to go to laws chool. And here we are, Barack Obama will be our president as of January 20th, 2009 and I will graduate from law school this May. Funny how the world works isn’t it? I’m waiting for that phone call Mr. President.

I must also tell you that as of 7:30 last night I still did not believe he would win. I had a long breakfast and lovely conversation with a good friend of mine and told how firmly I believed he would not win. I spoke to my dad at 7 pm and told him (who had been the greatest pessimist this election cycle) not to get his hopes up. I did not believe after the last 8 years and past two stolen elections that this was possible and that faithlessness held on tight to me until I heard John McCain’s speech. To tell you the truth after he conceded I pretty much stopped watching. I didn’t even see Barack’s speech (I’m going to youtube it I promise). And even after that it was still hard to believe it was true. There will be a democrat in the white house this January…which is strange and hard to swallow after the past 8 years. And more then that….he’s an African-American. A son of an immigrant and a single parent household. He was a COMMUNITY ORGANIZER. An intellectual. A STUDENT OF OUR WONDERFUL CONSTITUTION.

What hit me hardest is that I have children, two little Chicano boys, and the first president elected in their lifetime….is a man of color, like them. A man who’s parents were divorced….like them. A man who they will see themselves reflected in every State of the Union, in every history book, in those pinche book covers they give you in middle school that have all the Presidents pictures on them. And I began to think that when term two comes in 4 years my boys will be 7 and 5 and they will remember, they will remember going to the polls with me next time. Voting for Barack again and their lives will be forever changed because of this. And then when term two comes that will mean that the little baby growing in my belly…well, the first president elected in that babies lifetime will be an African American man too. It’s beautiful and brings me to tears and gives me hope.

Thank you Barack and Michelle, Howard Dean, every volunteer, and every last single voter who cast their vote and chose to be heard.

Asi es la vida

there have been
requests
for an update
so here we are
and here i am
stressed out
as asual
as esteli
becuase i lack
stability
the only thing i miss from my life before
someone else making all your decisions
provides the greatest stability
and the greatest insecurity
i have too many
classes
and bills
and too much
love
for a man
whose
too far away
and i don't have
enough hours
in the day
for my kids
and i feel like crying
most days
but don't
and i feel like running
most days
but can't
so i try to work out
and sew
and get these emotions out
some how
because i know
that this is what my life
will be like
for a while
at least a year
there will be change
and instability
i need to learn to adjust to

back in business

yes yes i've been gone now i'm back



the world is a crazy place and don't always have enough time to blog



i'm back in school....it pretty much sucks, i'm over law school, it hould only be 1 1/2 years anything more then that is just to torture us!



i'm taking 17 credits this semester which is 7 classes...it blows ....hard and my schedule is all screwy and i end up spending way to much time at the law school

1 day left

and my feelings are so conflicted
and

this

is my life

right
forever since i was kid
every happy moment has been mixed with fear
and
sadness
so now i go home
and my little brother and best friend is coming to live with me
and i'm super excited!
but i'm leaving seattle
and i don't feel like i did enough
or saw enough
or rested enough
and i fell in love
and leaving him sucks
and i've always felt that there are benefits to
living a portion of a serious relationship
apart
so you can see the real character of the relationship
what it's based on
i miss my sisters
and i'm ready to finish law school
and i'm excited that i'll be done
an entire semester early
not everyone does that
especially with two kids and a divorce during law school
i hate the conflicting emotions

4 days left

so here i begin to tell you how i fell in love again...against my own better judgement and normally rational way of thinking. let me begin by saying when i left my husband it was under the firm impression that i would be alone for ever...well, i'd have my kids but other then that no more romantic relationships and i was ok with it...when i left sammy i decided being alone was better then being in that relationship.

a few months ago (on june 2nd to be exact) i began to talk to an old friend, this guy i went to high school with in seattle. at that time i was talking to someone else (romantically) and he had a girlfriend he was living with. we started to talk....alot....not on the phone but text messaging...and as the first week passed my feelings begin to grow romantic and after a phone call from this "homeboy" at the close of the first week i realized his feelings had grown too. so i told him we couldn't talk anymore it felt wrong. that lasted a week...there was something about him that i couldn't quit...mostly his sense of humor...here i was really attracted to someone i hadn't seen in 4 or 5 years...crazy...and the craziest part to me was that there was no way we were going to sleep together...at least not any time within the next two months and at that point i wasn't even sure we were coing to Seattle. He and I really enjoyed each others friendship and that was the premis of the relationship...our friendship.

So, after a week i gave in, i tld myself i could make the feelings go away but i missed my friend. so we began to talk again and it was ok with the occasional flirting but for the most part just friends. Then after a month he decided we should speak as much and we pretty much stopped contact all together.

Then Sammy and I tried to get back together and at the same Homeboy was breaking up with his girlfriend. The blog about Sammy is a couple of posts down. In short I thought I could get past the lies but the more time that passed the more I realized it wasn't going to work for a lot of reasons. So once that was finalized Homeboy and I decided to hang out...

today

I wrote a poem to my husband about how i loved him and as i wrote it i realized it' not the man i was in love with but the "husband" (it's posted here it's called "like the rain") i want a husband a man to love who loves me back someone who respects me and treats me right...i didn't want to be with sammy but he was my husband and it was the husband i wanted to be with. i'm glad i've thought enough about this to get me out of that situation.

while i don't doubt the tumolt i'm not cutting you any slack...........kelley grosso

Crazy few weeks.

I decided to take my husband back after everything under some very tight rules and regulations. It turned out all the rules and regulations in the world won't make you trust a liar. What are you gonna do? It lasted less then a week before I gave up. I couldn't keep dealing with the lies and the man just doesn't stop! haha! I felt like I should give it another shot for my kids so they would have their father around but he's not a good father or a good man.

No bull...my kids have spent time with their Tio's, my boys Ernesto and Albert and another close friend we'll call...."homeboy" (that's what Grosso calls him) and the way those 5 men interact with my kids is amazing. It's on a completely different level then their father ever did! And they are MUCH better role models. I can't even get Eli to talk to his dad on the phone I have to bribe him with his sisters, they're the ones he wants to talk to. It's sad actually especially when I see the way he interacts with the Homeboy it's crazy, he enjoys him, he likes, him he's not scared of him even though on occasion the Homeboy will repremand him if he's getting out of place. But the Homeboy's not mean or scary or abusive like Sammy was, he's stern and serious like me and Eli responds well to that. Homeboy even plays with my sons in a way their father never did, he wants to be a father in a way Sammy never did. They've spent a lot of time with him since we've been here and Eli asks for him now, more then he asks for Sammy, it's kind of sad.

I'm in a mosh pit of emotion

I'm not sure what's going on or what this is. it's like i know i love him...but i'm not sure he's changed enough. some things have changed but not sure it's enough things. i'm really confused that i'm making the wrong choice. eeeehhhhhhh i don't know what to do. i think he's still mean and he's trying to manipulate me already and make all of this my fault. but i can' t tell. it's like i've been lied to my whole life and i can never decide what the truth is...probably why i came to law school...to find the truth....wish i could find it now.................

after all that i just realized i have feelings for [him] and i just can't see him being with no one else...i just can't - lyfe jennings

i don't think this is a poem....but it maybe someday?

here we are
another day
another dollar i'm paying to be in summer school
working for the university
thats another blog
my husband and i got back together
i go up down
happy
and
panic attacks
trying to figure out
was this the best choice?
someone
who thinks he loves me
told me that he would fight
the way sammy fought for me
and would change too if he got me back
because i would be
"a shitty thing to lose"
(i'm pretty sure it was a compliment)
i am horribly insecure
with my husband
i need him to tell
me
i'm the best
and he only wants me
i need to be told
i love you
a thousand times again
i need to have my ass kissed
for him
to show me
that he really loves me
and won't hurt me again
i'm sure this isn't healthy
but i just feel so insecure
whats funny is
outside of this
new/old relationship
i'm the most confident i've been in a long long time
i'm just weak for him
i just love him so
much
it hurts sometimes
no really
physically hurts.....
i'll pray more.

i wish i could sift through and find reality

sometimes i feel like we live in a culture so based on lies that even to our own selves we can't be honest...."to thine own self be true" didn't some cat say that? in dealing with my (ex)husband and this situation niether one of us can sift through the BS to find the truth...even about how we feel. yes we love each other....well i love him....but is he the kind of man i thought i would grow old with(before i met him) no...i imagined myself with some revolutionary minded, intellectual who loved good music, art, good wine, good beer, really good food....and books and new ideas and philosophies and someone who loved all the parts of me even the ones that stood in opposition to who he was....kind of the way i loved my husband....you see i love unconditionally and with all my heart. when i get involved with a man i tend to put him up on a pedistal...no not that so much as i date the potential of a man NOT the reality of who he is....so give me a struggler, a fighter, someone who has a dream and somewhat of a plan to get there...sammy's not ANY of those things....sammy is lazy (not in the completely awful way) but in the way that if sammy has a nice house a nice car and a decent job, for the most part he's happy, there's not greater good or giving back or sankofa in his mentality, he's purely capitalitistic AND colonized still in his mind...and has no desire to let either go....and i loved him because of those things...i loved him because he was different and i felt like maybe he could help even out my idealism....(he tried to crush it in the end but that's another blog) he doesn't like to try new food or new music....i could never get him to read anything besides a magazine....he wouldn't listen to bob dylan....or bob marley for that matter...but he loves dancehall music...he likes mainstream....run of the mill...cookie cutter....he hates to think for himself or make decisions about his own life....he has an inability to go with the flow and has to control every aspect of everything....he's judgemental and insecure...and angry....and wants to fit into this society sooo bad.....and i've loved him anyway....i always will... but does that mean this marriage is meant to work? i don't think so...sadly.......because sammy and i could be night and day about everything but unless he is even attempting to decolonize his mind and began to love himself as he is......as i've loved him........it'll never work.......sadness but truth........"in a time of universal deciet telling the truth is a revolutionary act"

today

so i had this crazy insane dream that women who come out of abusive relationships tend to get bangs because psychologically they are "covering" themselves or sheilding themselves from the world...it was insane....needless to say i'm growing them out. whether or not the dream theory was true obviously my brain is trying to tell me something about my hair.


also i spoke with my tia this morning...she changed her flight (she was supposed to leave yesterday) to next week...next wednesday to be exacy and now we're on the same flight to seattle!!! i'm so pumped and relieved. the creator was watching out for me because i was starting to get stressed about having to fly alone with the boys. i'm happy.


also, i'm working on a poem inspired by sandra cisneros....when i unveil it the world will probably freak out because its about a lover but trust me the vow stands and i have no man in my life....well, besides the fam.

Just some stuff i wanted to share

Mother Teresa’s Prayer
People are often unreasonable,Illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway
If you are kind, people may accuse you
Of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway
If you are successful,
You will win
Some false friends And some enemies;
Succeed Anyway
If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway
When you spend years building,Someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway
If you find serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous;
Be happy anyway
The good you do today,People will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway
Give the world the best you have,And it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway
You see,
In the final analysis,It is between you and God;
It was never between
You and them
Anyway
"We can do no great things -Only small thingsWith Great Love." Mother Teresa



"La reyna Latina,
pintaba como gallina
es mas que bailarina
o puta en la esquina.
Es abogada,
professora,
madre, soldada,
y cargo nuestra futura
cuanda esta embarazada" Immortal Technique

'men who'd often try
and justify their lies
with manhood deficient twisted notions of survival
insecure seeing even lovers as their rivals
and hiding behind the armor
when karma completes the cycle" blue scholars"

"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of god. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. it's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

i deserve to have my ass kissed....or an open letter to my husband

the reality is I'm worth it sammy. i'm worth being waited for. i don't care what you say. i'm a good woman and if you cared at all about me or our marriage you would give me the next 10 months and you would prove yourself. and you would bring me flowers everyweek and take me to dinner once a week and you'd call and ask how i'm doing and feeling if i need any help with the boys. if you really loved me you'd do those things. you wouldn't think of dating or talking to anyone but me i'm your wife and you would know that i'm vulnerable and weak after everything we've been through and you talking to other women and exchanging photos iwth them and locking me out of the phone bill for what ever reason only makes me more suspicious and believe you less and if you wanted things to be better you would know not to do those things. you'd kiss my butt because i'm worth it and our marriage is worth and our kids are worth it. but you don't see it that way. and that's fine. and you know what i'm not broken....our marriage is broken i'm broken in our marriage and i need to get better to be in this relationship but there's someone somewhere who will value me the way you never did and will respect my need for a year of time to get better the way that you don't and i won't have to get better for that relationship because i already am. you broke me if you want me you have to help me fix it.

now....

Alright, so after finding out about the hubby's new girl i started to think maybe i'm not ready to call this thing quits. so i've been talking with him and spending some time and things are going ok. so i tell him you know i'm not ready for this to be over and can we keep trying. and to me that means we don't see other people but i live out my lease, i have a year before we get back together, i still have a bunch of stuff to work through you know. and he was like NO that 's it NO i won't wait a year for you. and i was like you don't think our marriage is worth it that I'M worth it? and he was like no i'm not gonna wait for year for something that has no guarentees. i feel crushed but liberated. it showed me that he's still as selfish and greedy as ever and everything has to be the way he wants it all the time. so.......my marriage is over. sadness.

Why is this

My husband and i have been separated for almost 5 months now. I have my own place, we barely interact outside of discussing our children, and i started paperwork to file for divorce. Then i found some pictures of some girl in his email (why i was there is a long story) but i found them and they killed me i was so angry. he cheated while were in our marriage together i don't know why i believed he would change but he didn't and i don't know why i was so hurt?

John Mayer

My boys are going on vacation with their Papi for two weeks. They leave tomorrow but I'm already feeling nauseous and sick. The longest I've ever been without them is 3 days and that was for the 4th of July. I'm really scared and nervous and I don't know what to do without them or how to deal. I don't know who I am anymore if I'm not a Mami all the time. Ugh. I don't want to feel this way, I feel so sick. I know it's good for my boys to spend time with their dad, don't get me wrong. It's just hard to see them go.

Being a Mami has changed my life and become everything I am all the time, first and foremost, revolutionary parent then I’m everything else, so it's hard to be without them for more then the 8 hours I’m working everyday and even then when I get home I just hold them and tell them, everyday “Son, you are the best part of every day” and it’s the truth. There may be good days and bad days but nothing tops holding my kids and having them there. So what happens Wednesday when I come home from work and the best part of everyday…isn’t there? I’m sure this is unhealthy in someway but I don’t know what else to do or feel.


“Your body is a wonderland”
Ha, maybe yours is Ma, but my body
Well my body is a jungle gym
For my 2 year old
Who finds Mami on the floor doing crunches
The best toy in the house
As he
Steps back to get a running start
As he leaps on to me
“Maammiiii”
And as he lands on my stomach he looks at
And smiles
“Te quiero Mami,
Super duper”
Oh, te quiero super duper son
You have no idea
As he climbs over me
Jumps off
Face plants and laughs that laugh
That sounds like heaven
And its now
As a single mom
That I realize the value of
Me
You see
Once upon a time
I did not respect
The temple the Creator has given me
At least not in a way
That let the rest of the world see
The respect I had for myself
I was disrespected because of it
Time and time again
But I know better now
Now I know what love looks like
I stayed somewhere too long
With someone who didn’t love me
Not the way comrades and partners should love each other
And not the way a man should love a woman
At least not in my eyes
And had it not been for the love of my children
I may have stayed there
Forever
Convinced that the little love he showed me was
Good enough
But once my second son was born
My little mama’s boy
And he looked up at me with those big gray eyes
I knew what had to be done
And he saved me
They both did
In their own ways
So now with pride I say
My body is not a wonderland
But a jungle gym
For my 2 year old angel
And his little cherub brother
And I
Well
I am a better woman because of it

so it's been a while

but i'm going to start using this. maybe as a place to post my writings just to get a little feedback?

3 A.M.

I stayed up all night losing myself in revolutionary writings in an attempt to figure out why i of all people cling to petite bougeosie notions of love....this is what came of it....i've come to the conclusion i'm just a romantic regardless of my economic politics

It’s 3 in the morning
And I’m trying
To lose myself in someone else’s words
Because mine
Hurt too much
I begin to wonder if I can love at all
Or know what love even looks like

It’s 3 in the morning
And I’m trying to lose myself
In someone else’s words
I know I love my children
But have I ever loved a lover?
I’m not sure
I believed I had but I’m not sure if that’s true
If the have attached themselves
To my heart
Or
My ego

It’s 3 in the morning
And I’m trying
To lose myself in someone else’s words
As I remember there is a greater good
Far beyond myself
And my insignificant existence
And I remind myself
Of my father
As I read his books
And try to determine
Which marks are his
And which are mine

It’s 3 in the morning
And I’m trying to lose myself
In someone else’s words
Because right now
I’m without the capacity to deal
With my own

Untitled...maybe 1L

My mom says I should write
But I can’t remember the last time
I put pen to paper to write something
besides a number or address
And since I spend a significant amount of my day in front of a computer screen
I’ll type
Thank you
It feels less personal
But it is more legible
My writing has progressively gotten worse since law school
Your brain gets better but your handwriting worse?
Eh, who knew
I believe this was all timing
When law school beat me down I had no safe harbor
No support of someone to say you’re not as dumb as your professor would have you think
Instead I went to a home where someone said I was
And I was a bad wife and mother
And law school made me bad at those other things
And those other things made me bad at law school
A sad circle when the reality was the opposite
I may not know everything about the law and never will
But I’m a good student and smart
I’m a great mother
And damn good wife
It’s so tragic that
While I was a good wife I never knew it
And he didn’t either
And we both found out this way
I’m not sure if I can ever forgive him for everything that has happened
Everything he has done
How badly I felt about myself for so long
All the lies he told
And keeps telling
It’s like he can’t stop.
Well, I can
And I do

I wonder

As I look at my children I wonder
Is this the right choice
Can he change
Is it worth it
And everyday my mind flips back and forth
And I wonder is it better for them for us not to be together
Then for us to be together
Can we work this out
I feel in my heart
That I just don’t know
But I can’t let my kids see me treated this way
And I can’t let them believe this is the way
You treat the people you say you love
And I wonder why god led me down this path
Or maybe it wasn’t god at all
Maybe it was just me
And I was being impatient
And not waiting
And not listenng
And should have known better
But didn’t and now we’re here
And I don’t know if I’m making the right choice
Except for when I pray to god to help me
The signs I get are the ones that
Make me think I should leave
And I’m making the right decision
This time
I hope
I wonder

Walking Away

I am finally at a loss for words and
So I am back to writing
It has been a long time since I’ve put my words down on paper
While I have had ideas floating through my head
Poems about our sons
But not a poem about you
(Which you so often point out)
But I have been angry for a long time
I have been angry about the way you talk to me
The way you treat me
They way you don’t trust me
But you talk to people behind my back
(especially when in reality I don’t care about stuff like that if you just let me in and be honest)
I have been angry with your threats to leave all the time
I have been angry with your constant criticism with no acknowledgement of the good things I do
“I gave you the power to make me feel the way I thought only my father could”
Which is probably why you’re so angry that I try to help him out
I’m angry that you don’t help me with the kids
Angry that I go to school, keep the kids by my self, work two jobs and you STILL complain about me
But I am done
I am so done being angry, and sad and hurt
I am done wrapping my feelings up in the way that you feel
I’m over it
I have two kids to think about
And I am the only parent they have all week
I cannot be caught up in your shit
on my time with them
So I’ll stop
I’m going to do me the best I can
I’m going to stop making excuses and trying to please you all the damn time at the expense of me
Because you do not bust your ass trying to please me
You tell me you buy all these things for me
But you don’t
You buy them for you
For whatever reason
I don’t ask for nor need them
I am grateful but not in need of these things not at all
Not at the expense of our relationship
Because as I see it
You don’t have to be nice or grateful on a daily basis because you buy an expensive gift every once and a while
Everything is always on your terms, when you want it
Well, not any more
I’m the old me again
Starting yesterday
I can’t do this the way I have been
Anymore

My first time

I've had this blog for a couple of months I just never write on it (I only signed up so I could comment on Kelley's). I think I might start I just don't know what to write about.......