i wish i could sift through and find reality

sometimes i feel like we live in a culture so based on lies that even to our own selves we can't be honest...."to thine own self be true" didn't some cat say that? in dealing with my (ex)husband and this situation niether one of us can sift through the BS to find the truth...even about how we feel. yes we love each other....well i love him....but is he the kind of man i thought i would grow old with(before i met him) no...i imagined myself with some revolutionary minded, intellectual who loved good music, art, good wine, good beer, really good food....and books and new ideas and philosophies and someone who loved all the parts of me even the ones that stood in opposition to who he was....kind of the way i loved my husband....you see i love unconditionally and with all my heart. when i get involved with a man i tend to put him up on a pedistal...no not that so much as i date the potential of a man NOT the reality of who he is....so give me a struggler, a fighter, someone who has a dream and somewhat of a plan to get there...sammy's not ANY of those things....sammy is lazy (not in the completely awful way) but in the way that if sammy has a nice house a nice car and a decent job, for the most part he's happy, there's not greater good or giving back or sankofa in his mentality, he's purely capitalitistic AND colonized still in his mind...and has no desire to let either go....and i loved him because of those things...i loved him because he was different and i felt like maybe he could help even out my idealism....(he tried to crush it in the end but that's another blog) he doesn't like to try new food or new music....i could never get him to read anything besides a magazine....he wouldn't listen to bob dylan....or bob marley for that matter...but he loves dancehall music...he likes mainstream....run of the mill...cookie cutter....he hates to think for himself or make decisions about his own life....he has an inability to go with the flow and has to control every aspect of everything....he's judgemental and insecure...and angry....and wants to fit into this society sooo bad.....and i've loved him anyway....i always will... but does that mean this marriage is meant to work? i don't think so...sadly.......because sammy and i could be night and day about everything but unless he is even attempting to decolonize his mind and began to love himself as he is......as i've loved him........it'll never work.......sadness but truth........"in a time of universal deciet telling the truth is a revolutionary act"